When we think about grief, we often picture the deep sadness that comes from losing someone we cherished. We imagine missing their presence, longing for one more conversation, and carrying the weight of a love that now has nowhere to go. While that experience is common, it is not the only way people grieve.

Sometimes, the person who died was also the source of pain.

A parent who was absent. A spouse who was hurtful. A sibling with whom there was years of conflict. A family member whose actions left lasting wounds. When someone dies after a difficult relationship, grief can become far more complicated than simple sadness.

According to Shannon Ball, Family & Patient Support Counsellor at Carefor Hospice Cornwall, many people seek support after the death of someone with whom they had a strained or complicated relationship. While these experiences are often less visible than more traditional expressions of grief, they are far from uncommon.

“There’s a stigma around it,” says Ball. “People often think they’re supposed to feel a certain way when someone dies. But sometimes they’re feeling anger, resentment, relief, or even indifference.”

These emotions can be confusing and isolating, particularly when they don’t align with society’s expectations of what grief should look like.

For caregivers, the experience can be especially challenging. Some people find themselves caring for a parent or relative despite years of conflict or unresolved hurt. They may provide compassionate care while privately wrestling with feelings of obligation, frustration, or emotional exhaustion. When that person dies, those emotions do not simply disappear. Instead, they often become part of the grieving journey.

One of the greatest challenges people face in these situations is the belief that their grief is somehow wrong.

Society tends to have expectations about how mourning should look. We are expected to feel sadness, express gratitude, and celebrate the life of the person who died. When someone instead feels anger or relief, they may wonder whether there is something wrong with them. They may avoid talking about their experience because they fear judgment or believe others will not understand.

Yet grief is not measured by how much we loved someone. It is a response to loss, and loss can take many forms.

Sometimes people are not mourning the relationship they had. They are mourning the relationship they wished they had. The death of a difficult parent, for example, can mark the end of any possibility that things might one day improve. Long-held hopes for reconciliation, accountability, or a different future suddenly disappear. That loss can be every bit as painful as losing a beloved relationship.

Another challenge is the way others respond. Friends and family may speak warmly about the person who died, describing them as kind, generous, or loving. While these comments are often well intentioned, they can leave someone feeling unseen if their experience was very different. It can create a sense of secrecy and shame, making them question whether they are allowed to acknowledge the reality of the relationship.

“The first step is often giving people permission to talk honestly about the reality of the relationship,” says Ball. “Sometimes they’ve never had a space where they could say what the relationship was really like.”

Mental health professionals often encourage people to give themselves permission to speak openly about their experience. Acknowledging painful memories does not diminish a person’s humanity, nor does it mean there were no positive moments. It simply means recognizing the full truth.

For some, this includes confronting difficult questions about forgiveness. While forgiveness can be meaningful for some individuals, Ball notes that it is not a requirement for healing.

“Some things are unforgivable,” she says. “That doesn’t mean you’re not going to heal or move forward.”

The goal is not necessarily to let go of what happened. Rather, it is to move forward while recognizing that those experiences helped shape one’s life. Some wounds may never completely disappear, but they can become easier to carry over time.

Perhaps the most important message for anyone grieving a complicated relationship is this: seek support.

People often hesitate because they feel their emotions do not match society’s expectations of grief. Yet those coping with difficult losses are frequently among those who can benefit most from talking with a counsellor, social worker, therapist, support group, or trusted friend. Having a safe space to express anger, sadness, relief, love, or confusion without judgment can be profoundly healing.

At Carefor Hospice Cornwall, grief and bereavement support is available not only to families of hospice clients, but also to members of the broader community. Through grief and bereavement counselling programs, trained professionals provide compassionate support to individuals as they navigate loss in all its forms, including the often-overlooked experience of grieving a complicated relationship.

“Every grief journey is unique,” says Ball. “What’s important is allowing yourself the space to feel what you’re feeling and to seek support when you need it.”

Grief is rarely simple. When a complicated relationship comes to an end, the emotions that follow can be equally complex. Whatever those feelings may be, they are valid. And acknowledging them honestly may be the first step toward healing and moving forward.

Learn more at www.carefor.ca/hospicecornwall